Demisexuals: the pride and the prejudices

Someone may assume that nothing could make bigots happier than someone who preselve themselves until the right  person and the right moment come, but that is not the case, and demisexuals know it too well. But let’s take a step back: what is demisexuality?


Demisexuality is a sexual orientation characterized by the capacity to feel sexually attracted to someone only after creating a strong emotional and mental connection with that specific person. In absence of such a circumstance, demisexuals do not feel sexual attraction at all and that is the reason why they fall in the asexual spectrum (where for asexuality we mean the absence of sexual attraction towards anyone). 


Now, I would like to underline the difference between this sexual orientation and the choice to get sexually involved with someone under precise circumstances.

People  can decide, according to its values, religion or simply to their own level of comfort, to preserve themselves until the right moment. This latter can consist in marriage, the first “I love you” or why not, the first date. This decision does not preclude an individual from feeling sexually attracted to someone even in a stage of the relationship where they would feel uncomfortable to concretize that desire. Sexual attraction can happen with people you just met, someone you saw walking down the street, a complete stranger. 


For demisexuals that’s not the case. They do not decide to not get sexually involved with someone because rationally speaking they do not want to, they simply do not feel the need and the will to until they do, under specific circumstances and prerequisites that vary according to the individual. It is as simple as that.

Demisexuals are not individuals that want to reinforce normative sexuality, they are not prude, they are not cold, they are not people that simply “crave the spotlight” or “want to feel special”, and they do not have a sexual disbalance.

There are diseases that can cause low libido, but demisexuality is not a disease and is not caused by any illness, it’s a simple orientation as every other.


Now, if you have made it this far, you are probably wondering why I stated that demisexuals are oppressed even if they idealistically represent the idea of what sex should be in our society. Well, the reason is very simple: in a society that tends to label sex as a taboo, to not feel sexual attraction in the canonic way and to feel it only under specific conditions is a taboo and a shame as well. 


Demisexuals are often told that they simply are afraid of sex, that they are scared of not being good enough, that they are just shy or not comfortable with their appearance. People also tend to believe that demisexuality is caused by sexual traumas in the past or by a wrong conception of what sex is. To many it is not acceptable or believable that “someone would deny themselves the pleasure of sex”. They simply do not think that such a thing is possible, they are convinced that there must be a reason behind such an attitude, but there is not.


Sadly demisexuals, as well as other individuals that fall under the umbrella of asexuals, happen to be discriminated against by members of the community. Demisexuals receive critics for being “straight people trying to be queer” and individuals that want to label themselves in order to claim to be oppressed. They are also told that they are prude and judgmental of other people having casual sex, and, because of that, they often feel rejected by their own community.


In a world where everything is sexualized, it is common for demisexuals to feel left out because they cannot relate most of the time, and it is hard to confront others about it. 

The external pressure of having sex is something that weights and impacts the daily life of demisexuals, who find themselves in a difficult and painful condition, the one of being rejected by their own community and the one of being not recognized and validated by  others. It is not easy to be proud when people tell you that you should not feel that way about yourself.


Let’s be kind to each other. Let’s be respectful, Let’s praise, validate, acknowledge, recognize. Today and every other day. Let’s celebrate diversity. 

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