A typical Middle Eastern city
I’m sure a lot of you, just like me, had had this feeling before: the wonder, the intrigue and the surprise as you see an Arab getting out of the airport. This is when the confusion hits and tongues get tied. What do we say to those people? How do we talk to them? Do they communicate the way we do? Well then, here is your 101 guide on how to talk to the terrorist desert dwellers of the orient.
- First of all, you should ask them how their first-ever aeroplane ride was. It might be overwhelming for an Arab to be inside an aeroplane instead of getting bombed by one.
- Your next step should be to make a direct comment about their outfit. Are they wearing half sleeves and shorts? Ask them how they got them, I’m pretty sure they don’t have such clothes in the Middle East. You should also exclaim out loud about their need to wear summer clothes. Since they come from the desert, they must love the sun. Meanwhile, if you’re a woman, ask them if they judge you for not wearing a hijab. Since all Arabs are extremist Muslims who not only believe in the hijab but also in forcing everyone to wear it, they judge harshly the women who don’t. And yes, that certainly includes you. Keeping in mind Christians obviously don’t exist in the land Jesus was born in.
- Now you should proceed carefully. Tell them what a car is, and make sure you explain to them that, unlike a camel, they must sit inside the car and not on top of it.
- When you’re in the car together, try to make conversation. Ask the Arab about their tents back home. There is nothing they’d like to talk about more than their tents and what’s inside them. Since we all know all Arabs are terrorists, ask them in which part of the tent they keep their bombs and if they put their golden AK 47s in the same place.
- Since you got them to talk about their homelife, now is the time to make the assumption that (if the Arab is a guy) he’s married to four wives. It is also very appropriate to ask if they all sleep together every night, or how such a system would work. Never forget to ask which of the wives (if not all of them) would belly dance for the husband every night.
- Make sure to take them to the most expensive hotel in your city. Everyone knows all Arabs are filthy rich and have a lot of money to just spend randomly. Feel free to also make comments about the same; like asking them their net worth or if the jewellery they’re wearing is gold or how much their watch cost.
- If you ever lose their attention, just scream “Habibi” out loud; it’s their calling card.
- When you arrive at the hotel, please stay by them. Seeing so much technology in one place can sometimes cause them to faint. Don’t blame them though, the only time they have ever seen technology was when they were arrested and questioned by foreign troops invading their land. So, please have patience.
- Always offer them water. In the desert where they come from, it is almost impossible to find water. Just don’t overdo it or else they’ll get used to an abundance of water that will haunt them when they return to their homeland.
- Were you viewing your Instagram stories and came upon a story in Turkish? You must ask them to translate it for you. I mean we all know the Middle East is all one country, culture, people, language, etc. Turkish? Farsi? Arabic? They are all the same. You can also include North Africa sometimes.
- Before they get into their hotel room, warn them to dust off all the sand stuck on them and their clothes before they get in so as to not make the room dirty.
Now that this guide has come to an end, I’m sure you feel like an expert in talking to Arabs! As funny or weird as this sounds, I have personally faced over 70% of these situations and I still do. Hidden racism and ignorance are more abundant than we realize. Take a step back today and think about your question before you ask it out loud. What you might think is okay can be insulting to others. A little extra education before offending people is the right way to go. Always remember that the view of life is subjective; there isn’t a right culture, neither a wrong one. Beauty comes in diversity.